Realizing Resilience Podcast

Hello and welcome to the Realizing Resilience podcast. My name is Nate, and lately, I’ve been struggling to find my resilience.

There have been a few lapses in resilience as I’ve been renovating a house we recently purchased next to our shop. It’s exciting, but as anyone who has renovated an old house knows, sometimes you start peeling back one layer and the entire thing begins to unravel.

When One Problem Becomes Ten

The house was built in 1905, with an enclosed porch that was probably added sometime in the 1960s or 70s. I knew there was some rot and old carpenter ant damage, but it didn’t look that bad.

Then I opened the floor.

It was bad.

The porch had essentially been framed directly over wet soil. The framing was rotted, there was extensive ant damage, and the entire thing needed to be dug out and reframed. What looked like a relatively manageable project quickly became something much larger.

We’re financing part of the renovation through a 203(k) renovation loan, which allows construction costs to be rolled into the loan. But there are stipulations. There’s paperwork, permitting, inspections, draw requests, and expenses that need to be paid before reimbursement.

All of that is manageable. It’s just more than we anticipated.

And that makes it a pretty good test of resilience.

Sometimes Life Just Piles It On

At the same time, I recently ran a load of laundry at a three-family property I own in Worcester.

Halfway through, I heard gurgling from the bathroom.

Then gross black water started bubbling into the bathtub and the toilet began overflowing.

The main plumbing line was clogged.

As any good landlord should, I own a drain snake. I went into the basement, opened the main line and immediately had sewage come flooding out.

It was around 10:00 at night, and there I was trying to snake a sewer line.

Eventually, I started pulling out clumps of what looked like paper. It turned out to be fast-food napkins that someone had been using as toilet paper. Those napkins don't break down the way toilet paper does, especially in old cast iron plumbing.

My drain snake wasn't long enough to clear the clog.

So at 6:00 the next morning, I went to Home Depot, rented a larger auger, brought it back, and cleared the drain.

Problem solved.

Except while I was doing that, I got a phone call from my crew.

They had hit an underground electrical wire while installing a patio.

The private line ran from the house to the garage and wasn't marked by Dig Safe. The conduit itself was badly corroded and collapsed.

So I called my electrician, talked with the client, and started figuring out the next problem.

It was one of those stretches where life seems to keep saying, Okay, how about this one?

This Is What I Signed Up For

These situations are frustrating, but there's an important perspective I've been trying to hold onto:

This is what I signed up for.

I decided to become a landlord.

I decided to become a business owner.

I decided to renovate an old house.

Problems are part of the deal.

Setting your expectations correctly is incredibly important when it comes to building resilience.

I keep coming back to this idea:

So much disappointment comes from reality turning out differently than we expected.

We expected the renovation to cost a certain amount.

We expected the plumbing to work.

We expected there not to be an unmarked electrical line beneath the patio.

Then reality gave us something different.

Part of good design and good strategy is thinking through what could go wrong before it happens.

What are the potential failure points?

If this happens, what will I do?

If that happens, how will I respond?

You don't have to be happy when something goes wrong. But you can develop the resolve to say:

Okay. This happened. Let's do what needs to be done.

That's resilience.

Problems Don't Always Need Someone to Blame

Another part of resilience is resisting the immediate desire to blame someone.

When a problem is caused by another person's actions, I try to ask:

Was this malicious?

Was it negligence?

Was it simply an accident or an unfortunate situation?

Very rarely is it malicious.

If someone made a mistake, there may be a conversation that needs to happen. There may be a lesson to learn. But that doesn't automatically require anger or chastising someone.

With the underground wire, for example, our contract explicitly states that we're not responsible for unmarked private utilities. We had Dig Safe come out. The line wasn't marked.

Technically, we aren't liable.

But I'm still willing to cover part of the repair as a show of good faith because I think that's a reasonable and responsible way to handle the situation.

Resilience isn't just getting through problems.

It's deciding who you want to be while you're solving them.

Managing Stress Instead of Avoiding Difficulty

This has been a stressful period.

And stress deserves attention.

My goal isn't to eliminate every difficult or demanding situation from my life. In many ways, I intentionally choose a challenging life because I find that challenge rewarding.

The goal is to manage my internal response to it.

Life is stressful by nature.

You can choose difficult goals. You can take risks. You can build a business, raise a family, renovate a house, start a homestead, or pursue something meaningful.

Those things will create stress.

The question becomes:

How are you going to manage it?

I think that's very different from simply trying to avoid stress altogether.

Struggle Can Build Resilience

Money isn't automatically the answer.

An easy life isn't automatically the answer either.

Some people grow up with every opportunity imaginable and still struggle with anxiety, depression, addiction, or a lack of meaning.

Other people grow up with very little, experience enormous hardship, and develop tremendous resilience, confidence, and self-worth through overcoming those challenges.

Human psychology is complicated.

What matters is what we do with the circumstances we're given.

Personally, I choose a certain amount of stress.

I choose challenging situations.

But I also want to become better at managing them.

And every now and then, that management breaks down.

Sometimes you need 15 minutes to say, God, this sucks.

That's okay.

The important thing is recognizing what happens next.

Recognize Your Coping Patterns

Maybe you've had a terrible day and all you want to do is grab fast food, drink a beer, sit on the couch, and watch television.

There's a difference between consciously deciding to do that once and unconsciously repeating that pattern every day for ten years.

That's where coping mechanisms become habits.

And habits become lifestyles.

So recognize your stress.

Recognize how you're responding to it mentally, psychologically, and physically.

Then ask:

What am I going to do about it?

Maybe your instinct after a stressful day is to stop for a burger and collapse on the couch.

What if you interrupt that pattern?

Go to the gym first.

Throw a kettlebell around.

Go for a walk.

Meditate.

Put on music.

Do something that changes your physical and mental state.

Positive Habits Build on Each Other

Habits have a stacking effect.

One bad decision can make the next bad decision easier.

You eat the candy bar. Then you get the burger. Then you figure you've already blown it for the day, so you might as well sit on the couch and do nothing.

Positive habits work the same way.

You tell yourself, I'm going to the gym first.

Then you exercise.

You feel better.

You're proud that you followed through.

Suddenly, you don't want the burger anymore. You go home and make something healthier. Maybe instead of sitting on the couch all night, you get your laundry done or tackle something you've been putting off.

One positive action influences the next.

That's why our rituals and routines matter so much.

Life Operates in Cycles

Nature is a great reminder that the world operates in cycles.

Our lives do too.

There are seasons when things feel easy and seasons when everything seems to happen at once.

Knowing how you respond and adapt to those different seasons is part of resilience.

And for me, that comes back to design.

We design landscapes.

We design businesses.

We design systems.

Why shouldn't we consciously design our lives and our mindsets too?

How do you see the world?

How do you see yourself within it?

What do you want to contribute?

Who do you want to become?

Make those decisions consciously.

Because otherwise, you're operating on default.

Don't Live on Default

It's easy to simply follow the path society lays out for us.

Go to school.

Get a good job.

Buy a house.

Have a family.

Move somewhere because that's what everyone else is doing.

There's nothing inherently wrong with any of those things.

The problem is never stopping to ask whether they're actually what you want.

A little self-reflection can go a long way.

Journal.

Ask yourself difficult questions.

Think about who you are, what you want from life, and how you respond when things don't go according to plan.

Plant those ideas consciously in your mind.

Design a mindset that actually serves the life you're trying to build.

Find Your Resilience Rituals

My challenge to you today is simple:

Pay attention to how you respond when stress shows up.

Then make a plan before the next difficult moment arrives.

When I'm stressed, what am I going to do?

Maybe you're going to exercise.

Maybe you're going to meditate.

Maybe you're going to listen to music and take a walk.

Everyone has different ways of coping with and managing stress.

Find the ones that genuinely help you.

Feel the stress.

Recognize it.

Understand where it's coming from.

Then decide what you're going to do with it.

Life isn't going to stop throwing problems at us.

The goal isn't to build a life where nothing goes wrong.

The goal is to become someone capable of responding when it does.

Consciously design your mindset.

Consciously design your life.

Stay curious about yourself and the world around you.

Build your resilience.

And as always, keep growing.